eGAD! OCD

 

I’m typing this with a plastic glove on my hand. It’s not going great. I tried cotton gloves, but they don’t work with the trackpad. I wear those cotton gloves overnight after applying A&D Ointment in hopes that my dry and damaged skin will bounce back somewhat while I’m asleep. But last night I got cute and tried shea butter. It’s natural, I thought. It’ll work even better! Nope. My skin was drier this morning than if I had used Jergens. 

 

It’s going to be a long day. 

 

I said I was going to write about my anxiety and OCD, but I haven’t yet. I’d love to say I don’t have the time, but the truth is, it’s mental and emotional energy that I’m lacking. 

 

Plus, it’s embarrassing. 

 

But I still want to. Not sure where to start, so for now, I’ll briefly explain my “brand” of these conditions. Because they do come in different flavors. 

 

I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). My version looks like this: 

 

Catastrophic thinking 

 

Excessive worrying 

 

Vastly overestimating the likelihood of the worried-about outcome 

 

Vastly underestimating my ability to cope with the worried-about scenario 

 

Seeing perceived threats everywhere 

 

Physical symptoms: brain fog, fatigue, irritability, sweaty hand(s) and feet, extreme muscle tension, loss of appetite 

 

I’ve had GAD for a while now (years), but it worsened exponentially in 2020. And—bonus!—it created a spinoff, OCD. Specifically, “contamination” OCD. 

 

OCD feels like I have a heightened awareness of all the things around me that could be germy, gross, or dangerous. But “awareness” makes it seem like, you know, I have achieved a higher level of consciousness about these matters than you simple, unenlightened folks have. In reality, I see danger where it doesn’t exist, in situations I would not have thought twice about just 12 months ago. 

 

Some specific contaminants of concern are germs/viruses (duh), old food, anything that could cause food poisoning (like salmonella and e. coli), toxic chemicals, battery acid, and pesticides. This list is not exhaustive. 

 

I worry a lot about cross-contamination. Example: If I pour cream into my coffee, I am hyper-aware that the carton might have picked up contaminants on its way through the grocery checkout. So before I touch my coffee cup or my computer or anything else after handling that cream, I’m compelled to wash my hand(s) to avoid transferring those contaminants to another object. 

 

Now, here’s how the compulsion part of OCD works. In the above, real-life example, I experience heightened anxiety over the threat of getting contaminated with something gross from the grocery store. I think, “well, I’ll just wash my hands, just to be safe.” I do so and immediately feel better. The anxiety disappeared! “Hey, wow—that worked!!” says my brain. “Let’s do that after every time you touch something gross, and then we won’t have to worry about it!” “OK, great idea, brain!” 

 

Repeat a million times, and now my skin is falling apart. There’s more to it, but that’s the basic explanation. Brain perceives a threat, floods body with anxiety, tells you how to quell the anxiety, you do the thing, you feel better, brain says “This is an excellent system. Never change.” 

 

IN MY DEFENSE...

 

...a kernel of truth lies at the heart of the concern used in this example. One out of every four times I pick up a package of raw meat at Hannaford, the fricking thing leaks. A lot of shoppers don’t put their meat in plastic bags or clean their hands after getting dripped on. They put that tray right in their cart, grab the cart handle with their meat hands, then send the leaky tray through the conveyor in front of me to be handled by the cashier and the bagger who are next going to be putting their hands all over MY stuff. 

 

(I miss the early days of the pandemic when cashiers were regularly sanitizing the conveyor and their own hands.)

 

So yeah, I don’t think I’m necessarily wrong to believe that grocery shopping can be gross. But I admit my brain has overblown the level of danger involved, on this front and many others. And undoing that process by which I got to this point is the task before me.